Better or Not?

Don’t try, I’m not atually going to reply to that question, I’m rather asking it to the world, even though I strongly doubt the world will be able to take some time off of its busy schedule to reply to my question.

I sorted some things out in my head. I wrote a message last Sunday and, when I sent it to my friend, she told me that she was happy I had sorted those things out. So I assume she was right about the fact that I had done so. Here is the message:

I just don’t understand. It can’t be this way. I can’t feel so much inside, and him just wanting me as a friend…

When I see him, there’s this little thing inside…no, this big thing inside and it takes the whole of me. I feel the love in my heart, my head, my guts, my toe nails. There’s nothing but the two of us, the world falls apart and I’m alright. I feel trust, love, everything a girl can feel for a guy in a positive way. How can I feel so much for someone, without him feeling something too?

How can I love someone this deep without it being reciprocal?

What does she have that I don’t have? Or what do I have and shouldn’t have, and that she doesn’t have?

How can he bring so much to me without me bringing more than friendship to him?

Dominic was gorgeous, but he never gave me more than his beauty. When I looked into his eyes, there was nothing but this beauty. Not this special feeling inside, the joy, the excitement.

I trusted Kévin, but I didn’t have this special feeling for him. I didn’t feel myself tremble just at the thought that I would be seeing him.

Maxime made me feel special, moved inside, but I didn’t have this endless trust into him.

Karl had an incredible gift at keeping me interested, telling me all of these stories. But I didn’t feel that special with him. I didn’t feel unique.

How can I feel so unique with Vincent? How can I feel so special? He’s there, talking, and I’m just drinking his words with joy, excitement, an interest beyond words. And there’s nothing but his words flying into my ears, and me hearing them. And I know my eyes are shining. And I delight in his presence.

How can I feel so much without him feeling more than friendship? I trust him, I love him, I’m devoting my time to him, and all I get is his friendship. I want more, I need more. How can I not have it? What am I doing wrong?

He’s giving so much, am I not giving him so much too? How can this not be reciprocal, when it feels so true, so deep, so there?

Now I’m working on a slightly different version to send V.

Other than this, I’m pretty much doing nothing interesting of my life. I’ve brought very minor modifications to some of my fanlistings, done very little 75×50 buttons, cleaned the house…I’m staying home to avoid this world. I just don’t know how I’d react to see some things, even now that I made some things clear in my head. Above all, I don’t know how I’d react to see her…his girlfriend. The word sounds so horrible to my ears.


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